Interacting with our partner, we experience any number of feelings: joy, sadness, contentment, frustration, etc. These feelings say a lot about us, who we are and where we’ve “been” in life. They also say something about our prior relationships. In this way that our current relationship can be considered a mirror. Looking into it, or not is up to us.

Of course, it’s easier to see our partner as the source of our feelings. On this path, we’re likely to believe that they’ll have to change before we’ll feel the way we’d like to. We might even go so far as to consider changing partners as a means of changing, or improving our feelings. (I acknowledge that, after ample personal and relational work, this sort of change may remain the only viable option.)

Choosing to look into this mirror, we become aware of what counselors call our “unfinished business”. This term refers to unresolved emotional material, or issues from past relationships with our parents, siblings, past romantic connections, or other interpersonal experiences.

Now, much of the time we can cope with these feelings related to our past. In fact much of the connection to our past is not in our awareness. That is to say we’re mostly unconscious of what role our past may play in our day-to-day existence.

Well, we’ve come full circle. Again, our present day interactions, especially those with our partner, are bound to push our buttons, to stir up our feelings connected to unresolved past experiences. We have to decide whether, or not to look into this mirror, to learn and to resolve more about ourselves. After all, our efforts to change our partner are likely to meet with resistance. Whereas, only we block the path toward creating change in ourselves and in this way doing our part to create change in our relationships.