As a couples counselor, I meet many folks who have struggled to resolve a particular issue without
success. They often agree that it feels like being on a merry-go-round: going over the same topic again and again with no
resolution in sight. Part of the dilemma that they describe often has to do with the partner on the receiving end of the concern
or complaint, trying to solve, or fix the problem.
Now, we all hate to
see our partner upset and we especially dislike feeling blamed for that upset. As a result we are likely to experience some
uneasiness or anxiety upon hearing our partner's concern. These unpleasant feelings may motivate us to attempt a fix, so our
partner will feel better, resulting in a reduction in our own discomfort.
Herein lays the source of our merry-go-round experience. Our desire to solve the problem
comes from our impulse to reduce our own uneasiness in the moment and is not necessarily based on our partner's needs. What
our partner may very well need is for us to simply listen and express our acceptance of their point of view or their feelings.
When we push a solution instead, they aren't likely to feel heard or accepted. They might even feel like they have to defend
their feelings. This experience is likely to heat up the discussion and "condemn" us to have to take another uncomfortable
ride on the same carousel at a later date.
The non-solution solution lies in not trying to solve the problem. It lies in expressing acceptance of it, as well
as curiosity about our partner's point of view and related feelings. The "solution" resides in the message of love that we
send via this message of acceptance.
